


The Avengers Yoga Set

by Ribby



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Not-really-fic, Yoga
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 19:18:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3180107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ribby/pseuds/Ribby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Be an Avenger--do yoga!  How do you think Black Widow gets that flexibility, Thor that strength, Banner that control?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Avengers Yoga Set

**Author's Note:**

> This has been on my hard drive for a while as I waited for my f-list to find Avengers fandom. *grin* The time has come! This is unrepentantly silly, but actually makes a *great* (if somewhat kick-ass) yoga set... I promise! This is particularly for [](http://just-ann-now.livejournal.com/profile)[just_ann_now](http://just-ann-now.livejournal.com/), as well as anyone else who does yoga!

 

Warm up:

Begin with a few deep breaths. You'll need them later.

Start with gentle ribbing, and work your way up to bickering--2 minutes.

Twist, turn, bend backwards and forwards. This is a good time to discover if your costume/uniform/iron suit has less give than you thought--discovering this in the middle of a battle is *definitely* contraindicated. Not to mention possibly fatal. Continue until you can put your palms flat on the floor in front of you (and no bending your knees and cheating).

[N.B.--If you're doing this as an actual set, please do an actual warmup of 5-10 minutes of stretching and breathing here!]

 

Warmed up now? Good. Herewith starts the set--Avengers Assemble!

1) The Repulsor: Come standing. Move your left foot forward about 2 feet, but keep both legs straight. Inhale, and bring your left arm straight out in front of you, palm out--imagine there's a beam of bright, powerful light streaming out of your palm. Exhale and pull your arm back to your side, then inhale, push your right arm out, exhale it back. Repeat, moving quickly, until you've broken down any metaphysical (and physical, if you have the money to replace them) walls, or two minutes, whichever comes first. Inhale, bring both arms up and out, exhale and take out the forward wall, and relax, arms at your sides.

 

2) The Shield: Inhale, and fold your right arm (if you're left-handed, use your left arm) across your chest. Exhale, and fling your arm outward, as if you're throwing something large, round, and aerodynamic. Inhale, bring your other arm in, exhale and throw. Continue, alternating arms, until you've taken out the entire HYDRA garrison, or for two minutes, whichever comes first. Inhale, then exhale, dropping your arms to your sides. Take a few deep breaths.

 

3) The Widow: Come seated, with your legs spread wide in front of you. Lean back about 60 degrees, bringing your legs slightly off the floor. As you inhale, bring them crossed over with the left leg on top, then exhale them back out. Inhale and bring the right leg on top, exhale back out, breathing quickly but deeply. Repeat, alternating the top leg, imagining all the goons you're taking out with the strength of your thighs, for two minutes. Inhale, and drop your legs to the floor, still spread wide. Bend forward so your upper body is flat against the floor, and exhale. Inhale, and slowly roll yourself up into sitting, demurely. Butter wouldn't melt in your mouth.

 

4) The Hammer: Come seated with your legs crossed (if you have thick, powerful, god-like thighs, get as close as you can to crossed). Bring your hands together, fingers interlaced, as if you're grasping the handle of a very large hammer. Inhale and bring your arms up, exhale them down, quickly. The Frost Giants are getting closer. Continue for one to two minutes, and then begin swinging your arms (fingers still interlaced) from side to side, again quickly. You're clearing space, removing anything that no longer serves you (like, for example, the HYDRA goons and Doombots between you and your fellow Avengers, and occasionally, your brother). Continue for one to two minutes, then inhale, exhale, and relax.

 

5) The Other Guy: Still seated cross-legged, inhale deeply and bring your arms out in front of you at a 60-degree angle, hands open and fingers spread wide. Think of something that makes you angry. Really angry. As you exhale, focus on that anger as you curl your hands into fists and bring your hands into your chest. Snarl or growl if you like, but please refrain from throwing furniture, as that's expensive. Continue until you are thoroughly Hulked out, or for two to three minutes, whichever comes first. Relax. No, really, big guy, relax.

 

6) The Archer: Come standing. Turn your left foot out approximately perpendicular to your body, bring your right leg out in front of you, and bend your right knee. Not deeply, but enough to ground you. Bring your right arm straight out, fingers curled into your palms and your thumb pointing straight up. Bring your left arm back, along your cheek, tucking your thumb against your ear. Hold it, breathing deeply. Keep holding. Snark a little. Keep breathing. Snark some more. Hold, breathe, and snark until Coulson calls it, or for two to three minutes, whichever comes first. Inhale, release the pose, and relax. Snark, just for good measure.

 

7) The Unholy Cool Meditation: Come sitting, neatly so as not to crease your perfectly-pressed suit pants. Close your eyes, and feel your face relax. Nothing ruffles you, nothing fazes you. You are the ultimate cool. Inhale, thinking to yourself, you are cool, you are calm; exhale and think: you are collected, you are Coulson. Repeat. Continue breathing and feeling unruffled for 5-11 minutes, or until your blood pressure goes back to normal after dealing with the Avengers all day. Or Tony Stark for 5 minutes. He's special that way.

 

After 11 minutes, take a deep breath in, and exhale. Open your eyes. Feel blessed--you're not an Avenger, and you're not Phil Coulson. Life is good.


End file.
